Slides Towards the Future
by misscam
Summary: Afterwards, she does wonder - Was it inevitable even knowing the future, or is seeing the flash forward what made it so? Mark/Olivia, Olivia/Lloyd


Slides Towards the Future  
by Camilla Sandman

Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my words.

Author's Note: The show will undoubtedly make this AU.

II

_Afterwards, she does wonder - Was it inevitable even knowing the future, or is seeing the flash forward what made it so? _

II

Ever since her flash forward, her life almost feels made of slides – as if she's half watching her own life and watching her own reactions too.

Mark and Olivia, married couple. Mark and Olivia, joint parents. Mark and Olivia, kissing goodnight.

Mark and Olivia, half strangers, fighting not to become totally so.

Olivia and Lloyd, definitely strangers.

For now.

II

She hasn't seen Lloyd for a while when suddenly, he's standing in the halls of her hospital, looking slightly perplexed. Apologetic too, when he sees her, and a flash of something else she doesn't want to acknowledge.

"I'm not here to bother you, I assure you," he says, sounding sincere. "I am merely here to sort out some financial matters."

"You're on the wrong floor then," she says, folding her arms. She knows it must look defensive and maybe she even wants him to see that.

"Ah," he mutters, giving her a quick glance. "I am sorry."

He's walked two steps before she hears her own voice, calling his name.

"Mister Simcoe! How is Dylan?"

Lloyd turns, smiling slightly without humour. "Good. He is a little confused. Seems to think your house is meant to be his home."

"Oh."

"Well, thank you again," he says, a touch awkwardly and she watches him walk away, somehow knowing it's not the last time she'll see him.

II

She doesn't tell Mark that she bumped into Lloyd at the hospital.

It's not that she couldn't tell him she bumped into Lloyd. She could. But then Mark would remind her of her flash forward and they would have another fight that isn't really.

It seems easier just to avoid the discomfort.

Mark doesn't tell her he hasn't been at work that day. She finds that out when a colleague calls, assuming she knows.

She didn't.

II

"I love you," Mark says, leaning across and kissing her. "I'm so glad we have this second chance."

"I love you too," she says, letting her head fall back on the pillow as he kisses her shoulder. "How was your day at work?"

"Good," he says smoothly, not even a hint of a lie in his voice. "How was yours?"

"Good," she says, wondering why she suddenly wants to cry.

Secrets. They seem to come more naturally now.

II

"Mom, how's Dylan?" Charlie asks at breakfast, Mark tensing at the question.

"He's fine, honey," Olivia replies calmly.

It worries her she'd like to know for sure.

II

"... knowing from their flash forward they were meant to be together, Adelaide Jones and Chris Crile sought each other out and got married today..." the television drones, people around smiling to the report.

Olivia doesn't. She tells everyone to get back to work instead and calls Mark at his workplace.

He's not there.

II

It's Charlie that has gone missing this time, not turning up in class after playtime. Just enough time for Olivia to panic and leave panicked message on Mark's cell when suddenly Charlie is there, at the hospital.

To see Dylan, as it turns out.

"Mom, he's our family too now," Charlie says simply when asked, and Olivia is sharply reminded of the phrase Dylan would keep repeating. His house. His house too.

Her flash forward must have been partly what the kids saw as well. – Lloyd and Olivia sharing bed and house and kids too.

They just seem to accept it as reality already.

II

What Charlie tells Mark exactly, Olivia isn't sure, but it must have been something. She can tell from the tense jaw line when she joins Mark in bed.

"Fine position you've put Charlie in," he says sharply and she winces.

"It's not my fault!"

"It's you who're going to cheat!"

"It's you who're going to drink!"

She rolls away as he takes in the words, and she hears the soft curse he mutters before turning away as well.

She doesn't sleep too well.

II

"I'm glad you called," Lloyd tells her sincerely as they walk along the sidewalk. "Dylan has been asking about Charlie too."

She glances up at him quickly, the sun on his face revealing to her he hasn't slept much at all. It makes her wonder what reason that might have and even what she could do to help.

She mustn't, she remembers. He shouldn't matter to her, mustn't matter to her.

"I'm not sure it's a great idea to let them get together," she says.

"Because of your husband?"

She grimaces a little. "He's not very happy about this situation."

"No, no, I understand. I wouldn't have been if it was me and you, I mean if... If my wife had..." he trails off. "I just made you more uncomfortable, didn't I?"

"A little," she admits and his smile is strangely catching.

"I'm just thinking of Dylan," Lloyd says after a moment. "He's lost so much familiar I feel bad keeping him from something he's formed a bond with."

"I understand," she says, and does.

II

She doesn't tell Mark about letting Charlie and Dylan meet up; even if she's sure Charlie will eventually let it slip anyway.

She just can't think of the words to make Mark understand.

It is as if they're talking two languages and translating between them feels more and more of a strain. Mark is angry. Mark makes her feel guilty. Mark makes her feel untrustworthy. Mark makes her feel like he can't be trust. Mark feels passive aggressive and makes her want to fight, just to get it all out.

Mark is a wonderful father and in flashes, makes her remember she loves him.

They just seem to come more rarely.

II

Mark comes by the hospital one afternoon, full of apologetic words and promises he'll get better at working with her on this marriage. He's just had this case at work that was so sensitive most of his colleagues didn't even know he was looking into it.

Connected to mosaic, he assures her. Another step towards changing their future.

Charming Mark, as remembers him. Charming Mark hugging her and kissing her and making her blood run a little cold.

Mark's kiss tastes of gum and mouth freshener and it's that, as definitely as the taste of alcohol would have, that tells her he's drinking again. He's drinking and not telling her and he feels miles and miles away from her.

II

Dylan and Charlie make castles in the sand together, laughing and being so familiar Olivia feels her heart ache at it.

She wonders if the reason they never pressed Charlie on what she saw is that neither Mark nor her really wanted to know. It might be something like this, something Charlie might even want.

A pseudo-sibling.

Lloyd isn't really watching the scene, his gaze somewhere far away from the playground. He does look at her when she walks up to him, carefully keeping a bit of distance.

"You look concerned."

"Sorry," he replies. "Work. You know how it is."

"No, I don't," she says, wincing when she hears the sharp tone in her own voice. "That wasn't directed at you."

He nods. "I suppose it is hard to know if no one ever shares with you how it is."

"_Yes_," she agrees.

In the end, Lloyd tells her a little of how it is working as a scientist and she tells him a little of how it is working as a doctor and they don't feel too dissimilar.

II

Mark is furious with her, as could be expected. Charlie finally tells him when she comes home full of stories about Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and the castle attacked by dragons they saved.

He does wait until Charlie has gone to bed, but only just.

"You've been seeing that man!" he fires at her.

"Charlie has been seeing Dylan," she corrects. "She can tell you all about it."

"_Why_?"

"They both need some certainty in their lives. Dylan lost his mother..."

"..leaving his father a widower, how convenient for you!"

"... Charlie is afraid."

"Whose fault is that?" he flings at her, but she refuses to flinch.

"I don't know, maybe it's yours. You were drinking again in your flash forward. You're drinking again now!"

His jaw sets as he stares at her. "One drink, Olivia. I was undercover, I couldn't risk blowing..."

"Mark, you're an alcoholic! You can't just have one drink."

"I can," he says firmly. "It was just one. I know that future won't happen. I got us a second chance."

"If you did, you're blowing it," she says sharply and walks away.

He doesn't come to bed that night.

II

She lies awake for a long time in bed, trying not to picture where her life might be leading.

The problem is, part of her wants to see it.

II

Mark is gone when she wakes up in the morning, and Charlie is sleeping soundly, looking so serene and innocent. It's all Olivia can do to watch.

So simple, to be a child and just accept what happens, happens. Embracing the inevitable.

How much simpler that must be.

II

Of all people to mention her worries about her husband's possible drinking, Lloyd is probably the least wise.

He's still the one she tells, when he stops by to make another Dylan-Charlie play date.

"He makes me feel like I'm driving him to drink when it's the last thing I want," she says.

"Guilt is very powerful emotion and not very responsive to logic," he says, and something in his voice tells her he knows guilt pretty well. Over Dylan, over the death of his wife?

"I don't know how he feels anymore," she says, sitting down on a bench. Lloyd joins her after a moment, his leg brushing against hers as he does. "I don't know how I feel anymore."

"About him?"

"About..." she traces off, all sorts of warning signs going off in her head as if she just walked into a minefield.

"About?" Lloyd repeats intently.

"Everything. I remember the feelings I had in my flash forward," she says, each word feeling like a betrayal. "I know it's just a memory but sometimes it's like I don't remember what I feel..."

"...but feel what I remember," he finishes and he must have moved, because he suddenly feels very close. She can touch him – is touching him, she realises, his eyes dark as he watches her fingers on his arm.

She just nods and looks up into his face, meeting his gaze.

The kiss is to begin with as awkward as half their interactions seem to be – noses bumping, his lips sliding across the side of her mouth before finding hers, her teeth scraping his bottom lip. But it is also gentle and free of anger or hostility or anything that could hide a taste of alcohol and as it grows less tentative and more assertive, it is pleasant too.

Could grow to be even more so, but she doesn't wait to find out. She puts a hand on his chest instead, pushing a little.

He seems to take the cue, breaking the kiss abruptly.

"Don't," she mutters, raising her voice when he pulls back a little. "_Don't_."

"O-Of course," he says, his voice still a little hoarse. "I do apologize."

He looks apologetic too, at least until she kisses him and then he just looks confused.

Makes two, she thinks.

II

She pretends to be sleeping when Mark comes home. It's late enough that she would be anyway, and Mark doesn't make a move to wake her.

He just undresses and spends so long time in bathroom she wonders just how much brushing his teeth needs.

Enough to mask certain traces, maybe.

II

Lloyd keeps calling her. She finally answers on the tenth, fighting the guilt as she does.

"Olivia," he says.

"Mister Simcoe, we shouldn't..."

"Lloyd. My name isn't a dangerous substance."

No, but it is a step closer to affectionate names and a possible future, she doesn't say.

"I'm sorry, I'm just busy..."

"Women don't normally kiss me and then run for it," he injects. "You might have fatally wounded my ego. You're a doctor. You should repair the damage."

She has to laugh, even if it's a lame joke. At least it's not a passive aggressive accusation.

"Olivia, I don't want to make things harder for you," he goes on. "I really don't."

"I know," she says.

"Charlie still up to meeting Dylan tomorrow?" he asks, abruptly changing the topic.

"She is looking forward to it."

"Good," he says, and she can hear his breath for a moment. "See you then, Olivia."

"See you then, Lloyd," she says to the dial tone.

II

"You don't know the strain I'm under at work!" Mark snaps.

"I'm a doctor! I think I know about work strain!" she snaps right back.

"That's different! You're not trying to save the future!"

"Yeah, I'm just trying to save lives," she says, walking away. Only then does she notice Charlie in the doorway, watching them.

II

"Mom," Charlie says in the car.

"Yes, honey?"

"What's a divorce lawyer?"

Olivia manages not to blink, fighting to keep her tone normal. "Why do you ask, honey?"

"Dylan said that's who you call when you have no more good days."

II

"My wife probably told Dylan that," Lloyd says thoughtfully. "She did say something like that when we got separated. 'All I can see are no more good days, Lloyd.'"

"My daughter told us that's what she had seen," Olivia says, watching Charlie smile at Dylan a few metres away. "I always wondered what she meant."

"Olivia, about..."

"Not yet," she interrupts. "Not yet, Lloyd."

"O-okay," he says, and she feels his gaze staying on her all the while as their kids play together.

II

"This isn't working, Mark," she says firmly as she walks into the bathroom. He pauses in his brushing to look up at her.

"Do you have a better way of brushing my teeth?" he asks, and for a moment, she feels ten years younger and in love again. For a moment.

Moments aren't enough to make good day of.

"Mark, you're a wonderful man. You're a wonderful father. You're just not always a wonderful husband."

He blinks at her. "You're sleeping with him."

"_No_," she says angrily. "I'm just... I'm tired, Mark. I'm tired of fighting just to get one good day in a week of bad ones. I'm tired of fighting just to get one honest word between us. I'm tired of fighting all this anger. I'm tired fighting my fear you'll become that alcoholic again."

"What makes you think I'm not?" he says, and she leans a little blindly into him. "Olivia, I love you. I don't want to give up on this marriage."

"You never knew when to walk away from a fight, from a case, from saving everyone," she says softly. "I married you for that tenacity. I know you won't give up."

She feels his hands on her back, warm and soothing.

"That's why I'm doing it for both of us," she continues, closing her eyes as she feels her own tears.

II

The closet feels emptier without two suitcases full of Mark's clothes. The bed feels emptier sleeping in it without his weight and warmth also there. The kitchen table feels quieter with just her and Charlie around it.

It's a strange thing, so much relief and so much grief mixed together.

II

It's pouring down, so Lloyd and Olivia take Charlie and Dylan to McDonald's instead, sharing fries and hamburgers and easy laughs, at least until Mark calls to arrange picking up Charlie and she has to tell him where and who she's with.

Mark very pointedly doesn't look at Lloyd when he arrives, just sweeping Charlie into a hug and holding on.

"Don't be sad, Olivia," Dylan tells her, taking her hand. "Charlie loves her mummy."

And her daddy, Olivia thinks.

II

When Mark doesn't come home with Charlie that night, Olivia falls asleep in a chair and only wakes when he comes at 6 in the morning to do so instead.

Charlie is all happy about the adventure of sleeping in a hotel room. Mark is all defiance and a little guilt, at least when Charlie goes to get her school things.

"Don't use Charlie to punish me," Olivia tells him sharply.

"She's my daughter too, Olivia. Or are you too busy finding her a new dad?"

"Don't," she simply says.

"Aren't you leaving me for him?"

"I am leaving you because of us," she corrects. "We've been down this road before, Mark. Your drinking, your anger. I've seen this future. I don't want to have it again."

"We fixed it!" he protests. "I stopped drinking. You know I did, Olivia. We fixed it."

"No," she says, shaking her head. "We just stitched it up. It never healed."

Funny it's taking her this long to realise it, she thinks.

II

"Dad says he doesn't want me to stop loving him," Charlie says as Olivia turns the light off. Another night of Charlie sleeping in the master bedroom rather than her own. There have been many of those since Mark left.

"Why did he say that, honey?"

"Because I said you had." Charlie pauses for a moment, hugging the pillow closer. "Mom, do I have to stop loving dad if you have?"

"Of course not, honey."

"Can I still love Dylan and Lloyd, even if dad doesn't?"

"Of course you can," Olivia says, putting her cheek against her daughter's. "You can love whoever you want."

In the morning, Charlie gives her a cut heart with a picture of them and the text 'I love my mommy Olivia' on.

They put it on the fridge together.

II

"He thinks we're sleeping together," she tells Lloyd, who is watching her intently.

"I could assure him that's not the case," he offers.

"Don't. I think he would like the excuse to hit you," she says. "And you would be lying."

"I would?" The look of confusion on his face becomes him, but she still corrects it by kissing him, his lips parting as she brushes her tongue against them. His hand touches her waist carefully, settling on her hip after a moment of hesitation. She slides her fingers through his hair, keeping her eyes open all the time.

She doesn't want him to think she's is imagining Mark. Doesn't want to tempt herself to go there, either.

"O-Oh," Lloyd says as she pulls back. "I see."

She smiles a little, brushing a lock of hair away from his forehead.

"Olivia, I don't want you to sleep with me to spite your husband."

"I know," she says. "Neither do I. That's why I won't yet."

II

Mark is drunk when he calls her. She doesn't hang up on him, just listens to his words until he seems to run out and there's only silence.

"Go to an AA meeting," she tells him then. "Goodnight Mark."

It's Lloyd she calls, and he just listens until she is all out of words and tears.

"I know the pain of losing someone," he says when she tries to apologize for waking him. "I'll forgive you if you let me take you to dinner tomorrow. Ehm. Today."

II

Nicole agrees to babysit both Dylan and Charlie and neither kid seems to find it odd that Dylan comes to stay at the house.

He already thinks of it has his too, after all.

Lloyd is all smiles and nervousness picking her up, she's all smiles and a little guilt.

They eat at an Italian restaurant, Lloyd claiming he doesn't want to subject her to British (and his) cooking. He tells her a bit about particle accelerators, she tells him a bit about open heart surgery. They get drinks and it feels good not to worry about alcohol.

He flirts in a way she has come to recognise as his. She lets him see how she does it.

In front of her house, they kiss goodnight and don't seem to stop, clinging to each other; his hands on her back, hers against his chest with his heartbeats against her palm.

She's beginning to know why she saw herself in the future with strong feelings for him.

II

Dylan sleeps over, and so does Lloyd in the end.

On the couch. This time.

II

Mark sits across the table from her in the lawyer's office, watching her intently.

"I'm going to meetings again," he tells her.

"Good," she says, and means it. For Charlie, and for him.

"Maybe I could move back and we could..."

"No," she simply says.

"I'll fight the divorce."

"I know. You always fight. Doesn't mean you'll win, Mark."

For a moment he just stares at her, and then he seems to deflate a little.

"How did we end up here?" Mark asks, and the hopelessness in voice almost makes her reach for him. But there is also still anger in his voice, a flat tone of it that doesn't seem to go away no matter what. Only around Charlie does it seem to sometimes fade, but just for those few moments.

"Inevitability," she says. She might even believe that, if she tries hard enough.

II

She doesn't want to sleep with Lloyd in Mark's bed. Not for the first time at least, not while it still feels like hers and Mark's bed. One day it will become her bed only, and maybe then.

Certainly then, if the future is to be believed.

So they go to a hotel room, one neither has been to before. All new surroundings for a first time.

She's forgotten first times – awkwardness, anticipation and all unfamiliarity, becoming less so in the cause of it. Explorations rather than excursions, fingers learning new body maps.

He repeats her name as if it's dear to him, and makes her gasp his more than once as he coaxes her along.

Afterwards, she lies in his arms and tries not to think of what was different and what was akin to sleeping with Mark.

Neither of them deserves that.

II

Her lawyer calls in the morning, telling her Mark has agreed to shared custody of Charlie for now, even if he's still fighting the divorce.

At least they're not using Charlie as a weapon and she calls him to let him know he appreciates that.

The conversation even manages to be civil.

II

Lloyd calls her at work and she can tell he's stressed about something work related, but has still taken the time to talk to her.

One of these days, she will have to learn more about what he does, she decides, and invites him and Dylan over for dinner.

II

In the middle of the night, she wakes to an empty bed when it shouldn't be.

She finds Lloyd downstairs, watching the fire absentmindedly and the image of him there is so close to her flash forward she has to take a moment to compose herself.

"Hey, darling," she says, walking down to join him on the couch. She isn't sure she can ever call him 'honey'. It seems to much like willing a future she likes to think just turned out to be like that.

"Hey," he says.

"You look worried," she tells him, touching his forehead lightly. "What's wrong?"

"I worry I caused it to happen," he tells her earnestly.

"It's not your fault," she says reassuringly. It's not. Not hers or Mark's. The fault was between them. It would be far too easy just to blame a reason.

"No, I mean, I think I caused this."

She kisses him before he can elaborate; wanting him to understand she doesn't blame him. Mark probably will for a while, of course, but he's stubborn like that.

She can still think of that with affection.

"We all caused this," she says against Lloyd's lips, resting her fingers on his chest. "I don't know if we can change the future or if it's inevitable. I do know we all make choices, here and now, today. It's mine to be with you."

When he kisses her, it seems a little desperate, but most of all just wanting.

II

In the morning, she calls both him and Charlie and Dylan 'honey' and doesn't even notice in the stress of getting two kids to school.

II

S_he does still wonder sometimes - Was it inevitable even knowing the future, or is seeing the flash forward what made it so?_

She doesn't know. If philosophers can argue over it for decades, Olivia Benford (maybe-to-be-Simcoe one day) doesn't have much chance of certainty. She can watch her life in slides forwards the future and still never know for sure.

Better to just live it, then.

FIN


End file.
